Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
