Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
