Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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