Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
