my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
