Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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