my phone needs a breathalizer
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
