end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
So many bounce houses so little time
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
