Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
