Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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