i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
