Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
