time to smoke my breakfast
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
