As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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