We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
