we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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