when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
