i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
