i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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