Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
