Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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