words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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