trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
