I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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