So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
