It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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