just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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