i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
