Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
