at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
