Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
