and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
