so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
