Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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