I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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