so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How does it feel to date your dad?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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