i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
