Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
