I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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