you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
