Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
