please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
