oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
