Umm I'm too high to move.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Houston, we have a blender
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
