dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
