Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
