He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
