So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
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