I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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