i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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